#MyFirst…Kiss (Or Being Almost 20 And Still Waiting For One)

Each week Kerri Sackville is running a series titled “My First”. This week the theme is My First Kiss. I decided to add my thoughts. 

My name is Georgie, I am nineteen years, nine months old, and I have never been kissed.

I know. In a world of Tinder, Cosmo, and casual hookups, I’m still sitting at the kiddie table.

I’m not sure how it got to this point. I never intended for it to. In my young imagination I was going to have the Real High School Experience, complete with huge parties and lots of making out. But I suppose along the way I was ‘blessed’ with social anxiety and Saturday nights spent partying turned into Saturday nights spent in bed, fearing the outside world. It’s a bit hard to be kissed when you’re too scared to talk to anyone of the opposite sex.

Meggie Royer, in her wonderful piece “For Twenty Year Olds Who Have Never Been Loved”, writes:

All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk.

And it feels like that. I’ve blinked, and suddenly my twentieth birthday is less than one hundred days away. I’ve spent two decades on this earth, and no boy has ever wanted to press his lips onto mine. No boy has ever thought I was something special. No boy has ever looked at me like I was the only person in the room.

As every birthday passed, every New Years countdown ended, I promised myself that this would be the year. But so far, it hasn’t been. Years keep passing, and I remain in my sad corner of forever alone.

Being almost twenty and still being un-kissed can be a very lonely place at times. I’ve been interning at DOLLY all year, and every time a story is pitched relating to summer hookups, or relationships, or kisses, it feels like a stab in my chest. Because I have grown out of the DOLLY Readership and yet cannot relate to much of what they write. This, of course, is nothing compared to how I feel reading Cosmo or Cleo. Sex tips are no use when you can’t even get a guy to look at you.

It’s an overwhelming feeling of WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! A feeling that never quite goes away, because there are always kids in school uniforms making out at bus stops, or facebook posts announcing pregnancies of people you went to school with, or boys sneaking out of your neighbours’ rooms at college. All around you is evidence of the love and physical connection that you’re so obviously lacking. And it hurts.

Meggie continues,

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

Every time I open a magazine which assumes that I have been loved I just want to throw it across the room. It is a kind of pain that can’t be explained unless you have experienced it. Because the world is assuming there is something wrong with you because you have not met their standards. You have fallen behind, stumbled somewhere on the path of growing up, and you’re running your hardest but you can’t breathe and you can see everyone else but you can’t quite reach them. So obviously there’s something wrong with you. Or maybe there’s not, but that still leaves so many questions, all of them beginning and ending with why.

Whenever I tell someone about my virgin lips, they smile sympathetically and tell me that at least it will be special, that I’ve waited for a reason. And I smile back, but in my head I’m screaming that just because I’ll be years older than most when the first kiss occurs, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be any more magical. If anything, it will probably be more awkward.

Because there’s the fact that one day (hopefully) there will be that illusive first kiss. But should you explain to that person that it’s your first? Should you just suck it up and be a crappy kisser? By twenty, most people are experienced, so what’s the etiquette when you’re not?

Nobody thinks about what life is like for people who have never been kissed. It impacts you in random ways. Like playing truth or dare, or talking to groups of people. It’s one thing to be a twenty year old virgin, but to have never even been kissed? That’s an instant conversation stopper. It comes up when you’re reading books, when you’re listening to music, when you’re watching movies. It’s always there, the embarrassment, the awkwardness, the feeling that you’re missing something important. And it sucks.

It’s not just me, and I know that, but we are a silenced minority. The young adults who have never been kissed. It’s not a title we’re proud of holding, but for now, it’s one we’re stuck with. We are underrepresented, made fun of, and misunderstood. Maybe one day the media will acknowledge us, maybe one day it won’t be such a lonely way of life. But for now, I have three months until I turn twenty. Three months until I have officially made it out of my teen years without so much as a second glance from a boy. And I can let it hurt, like it does and likely always will, or I can remember the words of Meggie:

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting.

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.

So here’s to that hope, and to all of us who are still waiting for the prince charming and fireworks promised to us by every movie ever.

frangipani princess xoxo

8 thoughts on “#MyFirst…Kiss (Or Being Almost 20 And Still Waiting For One)

  1. Incredible post Georgie! I’m pretty much the same age as you right? & I can totally relate. Although I have now had my first(2nd, 3rd and more) kiss, I did however wait for a “long” time (year 12 grad) and I definitely felt the same way (and still sort of feel the same way about other things). When all my friends were talking about their sexual escapades and sharing their experiences I felt alone and drowning in my doubts with a big helping of “is something wrong with me”?

    This totally applied during my first:
    “…should you explain to that person that it’s your first? Should you just suck it up and be a crappy kisser? By twenty, most people are experienced, so what’s the etiquette when you’re not?”

    I totally had that moment of “omg is this awful for him? Should I tell him? What now?!” Why don’t they write about this in books, why don’t they emphasis the awkward moments more(in a non-humiliating way)? Why are there more tweens who are more experienced and me? And most importantly why do we feel this pressure from society to have ‘done certain things by a certain age’?

    To this day, I still haven’t told him it was my first, and to be honest it wasn’t very special at all (Just like Kerri’s, I couldn’t wait until it was finished and the aftermath was just as ‘cold’)… and neither was the second kiss… But the third guy I kissed, (I hate saying this cliche stuff) that sent shivers up my spine and gave me butterflies in my stomach. And I’m grateful for that (even though we’re not together ).

    Face it, majority of the time life isn’t like a movie, it won’t be sweeter than fiction (ha!), it won’t be all roses/daisies/tulips, cute cherubs aren’t going to fly around you… But we’ll all that find person, that kiss or that moment that is special to us in a way no script writer, author could top. Don’t let society feel like you’ve not met some standard, because no one will ever meet them. If there’s anything society is good at it’s putting a pejorative label on EVERY kind of conduct. It’s a lose, lose situation, damned if you do it, damned if you wait. I think, by waiting, you do feel more pressure, more inner conflict even, it’s kind of like… self imposed suspense. My advice would be to shake it off, don’t feel pressured to do, or not do anything. It’s your body, your life, because haters gon’ hate don’t let society feel like you haven’t met their impossible standard. I know it’s hard, I even have to constantly remind my self of this:

    All in good time…….

    Sorry if it’s a bit ranty 😛

    PS. ‘Never been kissed’ is actually on TV tomorrow night I think

  2. Oh honey. What a beautiful post. Really beautiful. It may not be special. It may be awkward. Who knows. But it will happen. I suspect that if you deal with the social anxiety and work on that, the kiss will follow. It is NOT because you are unlovable or unattractive. Logically, you know that. Plenty of people less lovable or attractive than you have been kissed. It’s your anxiety. It is NOT YOU. You will get there. Promise.
    And sweetheart, I know you feel really, really old. From my point of view, you are a baby. You are SO young. Be kind to yourself. Your time will come.

  3. Oh lovely xxx what a heartbreaking beautiful post. It is wonderful that you share your experience. As I wrote my post for this topic I had a wee little panic that in two short years my eldest will be the same age I was when I had my first kiss. I found myself wishing that not be the case, that she be much older than the 14 I was. I never thought of this side to it. Sending some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses your way

  4. Thank you for sharing in such an open and big-hearted way. I’d never really given this aspect much thought and your depth of feeling comes through so clearly in your words. You know, I loved that last quote from Meggsie and I agree! I’ve been to your About page and I’m having a little guess that the kind of boy who likes what you like, and will like you, will also be a shy type. Both of you will need to work on that part if you are to meet x

  5. I was 16 when I had my first kiss, which felt pretty old at the time. I wasn’t ready for it – I had all the hormones and I thought I was pretty mature for my age, but I still wasn’t ready. Forget all the stuff you read in the glossy magazines, most people are bluffing half the time anyway. Twenty is a great age for a first kiss. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

  6. What a beautiful post. And what a brave young lady you are for writing it. Such honesty. I’m gobsmacked (and that doesn’t happen very often, believe me). Your other half, your soul mate, is out there. He really is. And you will find each other. Probably when you least expect it. Take care of you … and the rest will take care of itself :o)x

  7. I had my first kiss at the beginning of this year and it took me 18 years to get there – and to be completely honest, it was nothing special. It was a weird situation to begin with, but he was just the wrong person and his lips were too cold, and he was rushing things and it was just yucky. He even had the guts to tell me I was a terrible kisser – way to boost a girls self esteem!!

    In the end, he annoyed me so much with the way he couldn’t stop kissing my face and touching my knee or leaning against me every five god damn seconds that we ended things. Or rather, he ended things saying he was too busy for a relationship and I found out afterwards that he’d been cheating on me the entire time.

    Anyway, my point is just to relax and enjoy the ride. I used to be, and still am, exactly like you and always worried about the fact that it must be because of my looks or my voice or my personality that turned guys off, when really, it was the fact that I was and still am, a very socially anxious person and that was what was stopping me from doing a lot of things. There’s nothing wrong with it though, I think we make very interesting people once others get to know us and don’t you ever make apologies for who you are.

    Trust me that it will happen one day. Everyone has someone out there, some people just take a bit longer than others to find them. But when they do, guaranteed it’s worth the wait.


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