Plot Devices

When I got ‘sick’, the main thing I noticed was that everyone would try and make me feel better by telling me all the reasons I have to smile and be happy. You’re beautiful, they’d say, you’re so amazing and lovely and awesome. They still do it, on my bad days, but – and maybe this is just the illness talking – eventually you begin to question the sincerity. Let’s face it, they’re only saying it to try and make me feel better. And in those times, I can’t help but wonder what they really think about me. 

I’m a disgraceful gossip. I talk about people behind their backs, not necessarily in a mean way, but I still do it. And in doing so, I can’t help but wonder what people say about me behind my back. Do they think I’m ugly? Do they call me a freak? How many of them even have an opinion of me? The kind words that spew out when I’m anxious and in bad places, are they ever said under regular conditions? Does anyone ever really think that about me? 

Sometimes I feel on the edge of everything. The edge of my friendship group. The edge of my classes. The edge of my peers in general. It’s not that I feel I don’t belong per se, but I just feel like I’m tolerated. I don’t think I’m anyone’s favourite person. I’m just there. Often in Extension English we talk about people in real life being plot devices, as in, they’re only there to serve a purpose in someone else’s story. More and more I think that’s me. I’m there to help others with their journeys, but never get to experience my own. The fun in the story goes on without me as I go to sleep at nine o’clock. No one really has an opinion about plot device characters (unless they’re in a massive fandom), and so again, it makes sense that I exist without making a major impact on anyone’s mind. People think about protagonists, heroes, heroines, villains…not those who are only there as a literary technique. 

I suppose stories don’t work without various plot devices, and as long as I’m helping make someone else’s story successful, I have to be happy. But I can’t help but wish I made more of an impact on those around me, that people thought about me, that the things they told me at my lowest were the things they thought every time they saw me. But as Taylor Swift once said, this ain’t a fairytale, so I guess I have to be content with the cards I’ve been given. 

frangipani princess xoxo

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One thought on “Plot Devices

  1. Don't think that way! You seem pretty awesome to me. I mean, you like Doctor Who and Harry Potter and ship all the best ships so that makes you fantastic in my book! If this helps, you've definitely made an impact on me. I follow you on twitter and always see you talk about wanting to be a journalist and write for a magazine and it's really inspiring to see your motivation to do just that. So thanks 🙂

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