My life is so thrilling that I’ve spent today (minus the four hours I made burgers at work :|) sitting in front of this laptop trying to write a post. I feel like Lucas in One Tree Hill before Peyton comes back and he gets inspired (pssh as if I’ve been watching season five non-stop *shifty eyes*). The words just won’t come. I keep writing opening paragraphs and then deleting them because they just fail on levels most people couldn’t even imagine possible. 
I’m just in another one of those uninspired moods. Suddenly I’ve woken up and my holidays have disappeared into a pit of practical nothingness and I have to go back to school on Tuesday. I have tests I am yet to study for, and I keep having a recurring nightmare where I seemingly wake up and go to school, only to find I have to complete both tests first period and I can’t even remember what they’re on. I then really wake up and it takes me a few seconds to get my breathing back to normal and remember that it is, in fact, still the holidays and I have a few more days before I really have to worry about said tests. I’m so pathetic. 
I also only have four weeks until I leave for France and my language skills are complete and utter crap and every time someone tells me how lucky I am to be going I have to smile and nod when really I’m have an epic freak out on the inside. 
I just feel like I’m living day to day without actually living. Like, I wake up and turn on my laptop and then spend my day cruising between twitter, tumblr, blogger, facebook and formspring and don’t leave my position unless I have to go to work. Work is just really four hours that disappear into chicken filled glances at a screen.
I’m pretty much just feeling like this all over again. 
Everything is happening so quickly and I just want it all to slow down.To be able to sit back and enjoy life. Actually live.
I’d say I want things to go back to how they were this time last year, but I’d be kidding myself. Even though I was with all my friends this time last year and hadn’t moved and didn’t have to try and fit in, this time last year I felt even crummier. I have tricked myself into believing that moving was the worst thing in the world and it’s caused everything to go downhill but as awesome as I make my old school/town out to be at my new school, I hated 99.9% of my time there. I’ve viewed it through rose-tinted glasses over the last seven months, but a glance at my diary is enough to make me realise just how much I’m fooling myself. To make me realise how awful my general life was there. Sure, I had, have, some of the most amazing friends in the world there, but the number of nights I cried myself to sleep, begged to leave, begged to wake up and be able to do anything but go back there. If I’m truly honest, these last few months are the happiest, the most free, I’ve felt in a long time.
Maybe it will take moving to a new country to discover happiness. Maybe I just need to start over again in a place where no-one knows me and I don’t speak the language to find myself and who I want to be. 
I plan on pulling myself together tonight (no nightmares, please) and coming back tomorrow with a glossy head (how amazing is the new dolly?!) and lots of lovely, happy, things to post about. Stick with me guys, moods like the one I’m in today are rare, I promise. 

frangipani princess xoxo

3 thoughts on “Excuses.

  1. Wow you really have anxiety attacks eh? I think your number one enemy would you be undermining yourself with your fears and lack of confidence. So if you had more faith in yourself, I'd think you'd find things easier. I have faith in you and you should too 🙂 You probably find it harder to be confident cause you've had a big change moving. And just when you start getting used to here, you've got be the new person again in France. You must admit here is different from your old town and would be hard to adjust to. But why did you feel pressure to try to fit in? Surely, you didn't try to "fit in" your old town, you were just obviously familiar there though and had great friends, you didn't feel the need to worry there cause you had already formed friendships. Fitting in normally means compromising yourself and I don't think anyone should ever do that. One free thing in our lives that we can form is our identity. (There's my fitting in is overrated opinion haha)But I don't think you'd realise that so many teenagers would be having the same feelings/thoughts as you at this very minute, so maybe you're fitting in naturally 😛 I think teens are often quite overwhelmed and uninspired feeling cause we're too old for lots of things and are too young for others. Normally have lots of expectations placed on them too (sometimes more than adults I reckon).Hey and I'm VERY happy you moved to the new town, otherwise I would have missed out on a friendship, and it's probably the best school thing that has happened. Yr 10 would have been way more boring without you coming to town. (They have to stop mentioning that dumb SC thing) It's lovely having someone that's in every one of my classes and I'll miss that when you go.I just realised our holidays are almost over tonight too eh, and I haven't done any school work. I will like being able to see my friends more again but….arg, they're going to be going on about subject selections. And I swear the maths teachers are haunting me, I saw TWO today. I think it's just a crossroads point at our lives and it's pretty normal to be confused cause people expect decisions and things out of us.Don't worry about French skills, your language will improve purely on immersion.Summation; stress less, be confident and it'll all fall into place without the stressing. Especially about school! You only have a few weeks of Aussie school left and you do well all the time. So make sure to enjoy the last few weeks of the work being comparatively easy as it's your first language. Don't feel so bleurg! You have lots of things to look forward to! Hey and for some blogging inspiration, maybe write like an "What I think it'll be like in France" and then when you come back, revisit that post and see what you thought and how it stacked up with the whole 6 months of French life. Or maybe a segment on "What you learnt in your X months at KFC" (turning something your complaining about into a funny and educational thing for us all). Sure you'll feel more inspired to blog soon!

  2. Okay after seeing that last comment I am a little reluctenet to coment you the lyrics to this wonderful song that I couldnt find anywhere fr you to LISTEN to but here are the lyrics 😀 (ramble, ramble, ramble :/)Alive by Tom Jordan lyricsStuck in a world no longer turningAlways the one waiting for something too many days walking round sleeping open my eyes, I'm tired of dreamingI wanna run with reckless emotionFind out if love is the size of an oceanEven if I crash down, burn outat least I'm gonna know what it's like to feel aliveHey yeahSun on my face, lights of the city maybe in love, or just learning to beon my two feet I can only imagineI'll say the words and believe it will happenI wanna run with reckless emotionFind out if love is the size of an oceanEven if I crash down, burn outat least I'm gonna know what it's like to feel aliveThey think they know me, but how can they know me?I'm getting to know myselfI'm finally ready to be somebody with a story to tellI wanna run with reckless emotionFind out if love is the size of an oceanEven if I crash down, burn outat least I'm gonna know what it's like I wanna feel that my heart breaks right openI wanna blaze like a fire thats goingEven if I crash down, burn outat least I'm gonna know what it's like to feel aliveHey yeahOh feel alive…So yeah pretty much I know this song sums it up when I am feeling crap and down and just want MORE I guess…Yet again I am doing a bit of a tired ramble so I'm going to stop now.Goodnight Georgie may your wildest dreams come true (and maybe your least wildest too?)Maly Xx.

  3. I absolutely hate that you had such a terrible time here, and I feel selfish that I want you back here so much. It feels so unfair that last year was so bad for you, when it was one of my favourites. My great year may have had something to do with what Brit said about having you in every class. Why is it the best people think the worst of themselves? Like in Doctor Who weeks ago, when he worked out who the Dream Lord was because no one else in the universe hates him as much as him.

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