Dear readers, I feel I owe you an apology. I have been an absolutely terrible blogger of late and I am truly sorry. I have just been totally uninspired. Not just in blogging either, in life, as well. All I’ve felt like doing is snuggling up in a doona and watching Harry Potter while eating bbq shapes and mersey valley cheese. I’m over school. Over work. Pretty much over life, in general.
I’m in the top class at my school, and all I feel like teachers are telling us at the moment is how important our subject selections (which don’t happen for another term, mind you) are, and how majorly they impact on our future. I sat through a forty minute lecture from my Careers Advisor today, telling our class how much pressure will be placed on us, and how it is up to us and us alone to achieve well, and if we don’t we only have ourselves to blame. How picking the wrong subjects can screw our futures and if we want that damn 99 we have to give up pretty much everything to get it.
It’s so stupid. I have had so many people tell me “Look, screw your ATAR. Your ATAR matters for about five minutes. It’s a number. Chances are in ten years you’ll barely remember it. There are always back ways into everything, just stress less.” but I don’t think I can. Even though I know that it doesn’t matter, and even if I fail hopelessly, I can still do what I want, even if I have to go about it in a round-about way, there’s a louder part of my brain screaming “if you mess up the hsc, you mess up your life. The next two years determine your future.” It’s really freaking me out. Everyone expects so much from me, and what if I can’t do it? What if I don’t get into Uni? What if I end up like my co-workers, making burgers at KFC for the rest of my life? What if everything goes wrong and I can’t cope and it all falls to pieces? WHAT IF?!
You’re probably all sitting there reading this, laughing at my sheer stupditiy. “She’s sixteen”, you’re thinking, “and a complete idiot for putting this much stress on herself. No one else acts like her.” And you’re right. I’m freak drowning in dreams full of what if’s. I’m living my life in such fear of the next two years, that I’m afraid I’ll miss actually living it.
You want to know the real reason I don’t study for tests? Because if I don’t, and fail, it gives me an excuse. When people look at my abysmal mark, I can laugh and say “I guess I should have studied”. If I try, if I truly try my hardest and study my heart out, and still fail, what happens then? What happens when I give it my all and still come out on bottom? There’s no excuses then, just me and the truth. I don’t want the truth. Another thing I do is get annoyed when I get marks other people would be over the moon to get. Like the other day, I was petrified I’d failed my geography assignment, to the point of almost crying from nerves as my teacher handed them back. I thought my work sucked completely. Anyway, I got it back, and ended up with 36/40, but upon questioning where I lost marks, I wished I had failed. I left out one tiny thing, and I was pissed off at myself for the rest of the day. I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been. I hated my mark with a passion, and never wanted to see it again. See my absolute stupidity?
The thing is, I know the day after I get my marks back for the HSC (ironically, it will be about a day or two before 21/12/2012. Funny if I worry so much about school and then the world ends before I can use the marks I worked so hard for.) I’ll wonder what the hell I was so stressed about. I’ll laugh at my younger self and think “Dude, what were you so worked up about?!”. But even though I know this, I can’t stop it.
I’m sorry if this frustration comes across in my blogging. I tend to use blogging as an escape from school, as a way of saying “screw algebra, magazines are my calling. I’ll spend my days researching celebrity gossip and the hottest trends, while staying up to date on social networking sites, thank you very much”, so it shouldn’t, but I felt like I owed you an explanation, I guess, for my lack of motivation and interesting posts. Thanks for sticking with me guys, I love you all.
frangipani princess xoxo